I still remember the first time we met.

Vaguely. But vividly enough for me to remember. It was on our Secondary School's CCA (also known as Co-Curricular Activities) Open House day. You were with my sister, encouraging the freshies (I was a freshie back then) to join Band, the CCA that both of you call home.

My sister introduced us to each other. And then you said, "Join band! Like your sister!" A few other words were exchanged and just like that, a new friendship was forged - 9 Years Ago.

And that was how two strangers became acquaintances.

I'd always bump into you in school where we'd exchanged Hi's and Bye's with each other. Together with my sister (because my parents never allowed her to go out on her own without me), we'd always go out for lunch and sometimes even a movie. It was through the conversations that you had with my sister that I slowly found myself getting to know you more and more slowly.

We'd hang out at the nearest community centre to your place to use the internet there. (Also because it was the cheapest hah!) Sidetrack note: And that was how I found myself blogging.. and started finding my love for designing.

You were such a nerd. Always drowning yourself in novels that you borrowed from the library. The books that you read always had a heart-shaped icon at the spine, signifying that it was a romance novel and I found it ridiculous that you folded the pages with the steamy reads just so that you could read it over and over again and fantasizing about it in your mind.

What I didn't tell you then: I loved reading too. I was always going to the library on my own after school and spending hours there just reading because no one was at home and it was the library that I could seek solace from. And when I saw my sister (at times), I'd run away for fear that she'd call me a stalker. (Which she obviously did, saying I got nothing better to do than to follow her.)

You were always the cool one. It was cool telling people that I know you. At least people thought I was cool for knowing you. And we started talking to each other on the phone about school, gossip and other nonsensical stuff. Then on friendship day (also known as Valentines Day), you gave this bead bracelet to me. "I didn't know what else to get for you. I hope you like this.", you said. I liked it a lot. And I never left the house without it whenever I went for meet-ups.

While I was busy mugging for my O Levels, you, along with my sister and a few others organised one of the best birthday celebration I've had in years. I was still in my bed when everyone came in and shouted, "Surprise!" Thank god I wasn't drooling the night before and was properly dressed. Haha!

We too, did go all the way to your house just to surprise you on your birthday. There you were, all clad in your pyjamas and probably ready for bed, you must have found all of us to be really annoying. And we would celebrate everyone else's birthday, those in the gang. It was fun, those random meet-ups.

Remember when we first went to karaoke together? It was crazy fun. Our voices weren't exactly pleasing to the ears, to say the least but it was hilarious. Until it became the reason that you were brought to the hospital because you were jumping around in the karaoke room and hit your leg against the table.

I laughed. That was my initial reaction. "Stop it la and stand up!" I said. But you weren't joking. You had indeed fractured your leg and it was a panic frenzy for all of us, as we had to rush you to the nearest hospital, even if that includes raising our voices at the taxi driver uncle or anyone else that stood in our way. And that was the point I told myself, "Look around. These are gonna the friends that you can depend on this friendship that all of us had: It was real. They are the ones I'm gonna be the closest with in many years to come." - 4 Years Ago.

On the first day of my tertiary education, I was lost and had no one to accompany me for lunch. Thank god you were there and you rang me up just in time. "Hey! How's your first day?!" You said enthusiastically. "You wanna go for lunch? Now's my lunch break! I'll meet you at SIM?" I probably never told you that.. but I was so grateful towards you because eating alone is just social suicide.

And we'd sometimes go back home together (I'd wait for your classes to end and vice versa), whenever I felt like taking the bus back home and we'd spend the time talking on the bus about our day, laughing over silly stuff or updating each other on the latest movies or gossip.

People who didn't know us would think that I like you (and I meant in a way such that it is more than a normal friend usually would). But that would be so wrong in so many ways. You are like the sister I wished I had, always looking out for me. I'm sure you'd care for me the same way my sister would towards me. Harbouring special feelings towards you would just be.. incest and so wrong in so many ways.

Remember how I'd always tease you. Of your crushes and ex-boyfriends. Telling you secret fantasies that you'd wish to share with your future boyfriend. Like kissing in the rain. Or describing the first kiss. Or planning the most romantic date ever. I am so full of shit, I know. But we all know that Singaporean guys are NEVER that romantic, don't we?

Now. One year ago.

You finally found yourself a boyfriend. I was so happy for you and every single time we met, I'd ask you, "So when are you introducing him to us?" But you never did.

I should be happy for you. I am happy for you. Because for an amazing girl like you, you deserve someone special in your life. You deserve someone who likes you the way you are. Someone who likes you because they think your laughter is adorable. Someone who likes you for the way you tap their shoulder for making a joke out of you. Someone who can make you feel that you can be yourself and that you'd never had to change to accommodate to his liking. Someone who likes you for the way they think you flick your hair or play with your hair when they're having a conversation with you is adorable.

But little did I know, you started distancing yourself away from me and the rest of the gang. It was always, "Sorry! I can't make it! I have plans! Next time, okay!"

When I found out that I was gonna be enlisted into NS soon...
Me: Let's meet for the last time before I enter NS!
You: I can't make it! You guys go ahead without me okay!

When I finally graduated from my Basic Military Training...
Me: I'm on break for one whole week! Let's go Ramen Ten.
You said okay. But my sister and I got so frustrated waiting for you. We ordered our food first. Our food arrived and we were even done with it. As we stood at the cashier, making our payment, getting ready to go back home, you finally made an appearance. That was how late you were. Because you were meeting your BF before.

When I finally got wind of the news that I was to be posted in Brunei...
Me: Let's meet before I leave for Brunei.
You: I've got work on that day. I can't change my schedule. I'll meet you separately on another day?
Yeah we did meet. You treated me to a meal at Fish and co. We snapped a few photos. And you said, "Don't tag me in the photo. My BF doesn't know I'm meeting you."

When I was back in Singapore for a short while a month ago, I admit I was quite hesitant to even ask you out because you were always cancelling out on us. And I don't even think you knew I was back in SG. Not a word of your text or a phone call did I receive from you.

Me: I'm meeting the rest on Sunday. I hope you can make it.
You: I got plans! I'll meet you another day?

Did you even know that there was NO OTHER DAY? Because I'm on a flight back to Brunei the very next morning? I admit I am selfish. But couldn't you shelve whatever plans you had on that day just for me? A close friend of yours that has stuck with you through thick and thin for the past 9 years? You could meet your friend the following week, but as for me? You can't do that because I wouldn't be in Singapore any more.

I was so hurt and left Singapore with such a heavy heart. But what hurts even more was when you tweeted, "Meeting my friend from Scotland who's in Singapore for a vacation!!!"

That was the last straw. A friend from Scotland whom you've probably known in a short while gets time with you and I don't. Don't I deserve a single minute of your time? Or even a single call or sms saying, "Hey! Welcome back to Singapore!" You said that he went all the way to your workplace just to meet you. What bullshit is that? Do I have to do the same just to meet you?

Harsh words were exchanged after that and we had a heated conversation. I initially did not want to say anything, for fear or breaking the friendship that we have built of almost a decade now. But I realised this.

Sure. Relationships are broken most of the time because of words left unsaid. But if it's gonna break anyhow, why don't you just say it? Which was why I acted the way I acted.

Your BF was intimidated by me. He was jealous of how close we were. He didn't like the way we took photos together. He didn't like me putting my arms around you even though it meant nothing at all. Can't you see how he's trying to control your every move now?

Your rationale for acting the way you did. Because you will be getting engaged to him and will be married to him in the following year. And you don't want to invite gossip by hanging out with me. So you did what you had to. Nobody forced you to make a decision. You chose this path.

You told me, "I hope you understand. I'm getting married. I just don't want to invite gossip."

I received a long text from you explaining your actions. (it's about time)
"Our friendship between a boy and a girl is probably difficult right now."
"I did mean to see you. I did mean to call and sms you. Why didn't I? Cos I was afraid of your reply."

All of these are just excuses. Let's just face the fact. You are just ashamed to be seen with me. Am I that disgusting of a person? We tried ways to keep in contact with you but you kept pushing us away time and again. It's tiring to play this game.

You even distanced yourself from my sister, the best friend that you had since 10 years ago who was always there for you no matter what. The one, whom always lent a shoulder for you to cry on when you needed someone. Ridiculous.

You said we didn't understand you. Did you even took the time to explain to us? You called us your bestfriends but were you acting like one towards us? The answer is No. You never tried.

Remember the bead bracelet that you gave me 9 years ago on friendship day? Yeah. So it snapped and finally broke into pieces. Our friendship probably did too. I was so depressed I told you about it. And ended up buying a new one that looks exactly like it but it was different. It didn't fit my wrist perfectly. It was a tad too tight at times. I realised that these are the kind of things that you can't just replace with something new.

Like our friendship. You'll never be able to find another friend like me. Sure, your soon-to-be husband will have taken our friendship away from us. But there's some things that he will never get to take. He can have you. He can be with you in the many years to come. But try as he might, he'll never be able to take the past 9 years of friendship that we shared together.

I could have replied, "I hope you understand too that you are now in the same category of friends as (insert name here). Here's me letting go of our friendship. I no longer care or bother. You can do whatever you want because our friendship of 9 years now.. our friendship has finally expired."

Hope you have a nice life!

Labels: Daily Musings